One of the things that has annoyed me the most in my quest for mental health is all those people who tell me “oh, you can’t have bipolar, your moodswings are too fast.” Really? You’re serious? So I’m going nuts because I can’t control my emotions and react in ways I don’t think I should and feel suicidal or angry or happy for no reason because …why?
Medication won’t work if you don’t take it correctly. Don’t I want to be sane? To be able to claim to be normal? I don’t know, anymore. Maybe I miss my old normal. Maybe I’d rather be broken. It’s easier. Even though it really isn’t very easy at all. Maybe I’m just sick of trying.
At first, I thought that maybe it was just depression, as it is sometimes a symptom that comes with depression (though I usually get the opposite effect). I also wondered if possibly it could be caused by my medication, since both my Lithium and Prozac have “may cause drowsiness” as a side effect. Though drowsiness often does not equal sleep in my life.
A lot of people get sad, even really sad, and think they must know what it’s like but depression… it’s really something else. Depression is to sadness what croquembouche is to donuts. I mean, yes, you do get incredibly sad when you’re depressed but it’s so much more than that.
One of the things that they don’t really mention (or, at least, I wasn’t told about) when you’re diagnosed as bipolar is what other sort of symptoms to watch for. The ones that always particularly catch me off guard are the OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) like ones.
Why do doctor’s visits always seem to end in more medication?
So now, meet nutmeg, as blunt and honest as you can expect someone who’s spent their entire adult life lying to want to be. I will say things that are going to be painful, I will say things that are going to make you feel sick, I will say things that will make you wonder what’s wrong with me.
the stars are well abused every lover calls on them writes their story through then demand that they fall where are they now, then? these dire astral visions plummeting before you making way for your desire bruise their glassy egos make your pleasure worthy for vanity buys their death shining in all its terror
I’ve noticed you’re not really there or are you you just want me to believe you are how selfish I gave you my heart you can’t even give me the time of day
fragmental thoughts indulged colours creep through my mind nightmares show me who I am cutting my wrists in union dreaming tears of drowning falling through broken glass the joy of being used by you I beg that you leave me again cohesion sips from my veins calling me to another bridge water fills my nose and mouth and I’m choking on what we were