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Month: March 2011

how dark do you like your tea?

how dark do you like your tea?

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Do you ever really stop to think about the things you put in your body? How often do we look at our food consumption and think “gods, I need to eat better”? And how about your brain? Do you ever think about what the media you put into it does to it? Do you make those sorts of choices conscientiously or are you the type to just “catch whatever’s there”? And does the media make the person? Or does the person choose the media based on their personality.

I have an obsession with horror movies/novels/comics. Do you think it’s because I have a dark outlook on life? Or do you think that dark outlook was caused by the obsession?

For the record: I definitely was cynical long before I became a fan of horror. I didn’t really get into horror until my 20s. Although I enjoyed a lot of darker, “gothic” things and many horror novels in high school I was simply not the type to watch a lot of movies. I grew into that, as I found myself with less time but also more jaded by the experiences life had brought me. I often get to a point where all I feel is empty and I’ll do just about anything to try and jumpstart some sort of emotion – any emotion. That was why I started watching horror movies seriously. I wanted to scare myself back to reason. Unfortunately, all it’s really done is numb me to most fears. Although I’m easy to startle, it’s almost impossible to actually scare me.

Well. Unless you know my triggers.

I still watch horror, though, even if the scary factor has worn off. Why? Because they reflect my views of life far better than ordinary drama or comedies. (I actually despise most comedies.) I especially find “chick flicks” to be trashy and fake and impossible. Life isn’t like that. Romance is laughable to me. I believe in love but romance is a sick veneer set out to fool the innocently hopeful and I won’t waste my time watching/reading about it.

But horror? Horror presents such fantastic ideas of real hope and real love. It presents facets of real human emotion, not just prettified happily-ever-after shit. For example? Here are some of my favourite lines from horror/thriller films:

“I don’t want her to fucking cope, I want her to be okay!” (28 Days Later)

“People don’t always tell you what they are thinking. They just see to it that you don’t advance in life.” (Hannibal)

“Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore.” (Saw)

“At the end of time, a moment will come when just one man remains. Then the moment will pass. Man will be gone. There will be nothing to show that we were ever here… but stardust.” (Sunshine)

“You’re all gonna die. The only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fuckin’ knees… begging? I ain’t much for begging! Nobody ever gave me nothing! So I say *fuck* that thing! Let’s fight it!” (Alien3)

“Why? Why are the innocent punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain? There aren’t any promises. Nothing certain. Only that some get called, some get saved. She won’t ever know the hardship and grief for those of us left behind. We commit these bodies to the void with a glad heart. For within each seed, there is a promise of a flower, and within each death, no matter how small, there’s always a new life. A new beginning. Amen.” (Alien3)

“Life is a game. So fight for survival and see if you’re worth it.” (Battle Royal)

“Do know what’s really scary? You want to forget something. Totally wipe it off your mind. But you never can. It can’t go away, you see. And… and it follows you around like a ghost.” (A Tale of Two Sisters)

Cherry Darling: “I’m not that optimistic. I feel like I’m sinking down a drain and I can’t get out.”
Dr. Dakota Block: “She’d say, ‘when you’re stuck in that spiral, you reach up’.”
Cherry Darling: “What if there’s nothing up there?”
Dr. Dakota Block: “Just reach up.” (Planet Terror)

adding hot water to milk and sugar

adding hot water to milk and sugar

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Can you still call it tea if you don’t involve any sort of leaf? Milk, hot water, sugar… what is that? What is it that truly makes a certain thing that thing and not something else? It’s a question I ask a lot about myself. “If my emotions aren’t right, am I still human?” “Can I be human without a heart?” “What am I, if not crazy?” “Will there still be a nutmeg if you medicate the disease out of her?” “How much of me is me and how much is disease?”

A thousand thoughts a minute and not one of them good.

I am unhappy. I am angry. I hate my life and the direction it is taking. No matter how many times I try to make things better, it just doesn’t work. I am a failure. Any “good” thing in my life turns to shit as soon as I get my hands on it. I am cursed. Or I am a curse. They are the same.

I currently don’t even have enough money in my bank account to buy gas to drive to fucking Toronto, much less the rent which I have to pay in 3 weeks and my car loan. I royally fucked up my midterm and my last theory test, so am going to have to work my ass off if I want to get any sort of mark worth mentioning at the end of the year, and even then there’s no guarantee of me getting any sort of job. Nothing ever has. It’s all about who you know in this world and I don’t know anyone. Nor do I really want to.

Running away to become a monk sounds better and better all the time.

I wonder if I mixed all the advil I have on hand with all the lithium I have on hand if it would be enough to kill me or only make me very sick? Have I ever mentioned the reason I can’t take Tylenol at all anymore is because I once took enough to make me very very sick? I spent the day in bed, called it a flu, and no one ever said much about it. I was 16. A wristcutter just learning all the best ways to destroy herself. How did the adults in my life manage to so completely miss all the signs? Why did it come as a surprise when I finally found the strength to ask for help? Not that I really got help; I got a doctor who kept trying to put me on antidepressants instead of listening to anything I said, I got parents who told me I didn’t really need meds because there was nothing wrong with me, I got friends who criticized me and told me I was fake.

Not that things have improved terribly much now.

Taking a “sick” day today because I just can’t deal with people. Seriously. I’ve slept all day. The only reason I’m not still in bed and sleeping off today until tomorrow is because I’m forcing myself to get up and do some of my homework. …which has turned to games, but still. I’ve a desperate need to do laundry and I’m just fluffing it off until whenever because I don’t want to deal with anyone today. It’s amazing how quickly I’ve sunk upon neglecting my proper meds. Which, in itself, probably at least partly started due to allowing myself to be lower than I should and not being at the proper medication level.

I don’t know. I’m just confused right now. I don’t think I’m who I’m supposed to be, but I don’t think there’s any “who” for me to be anymore. Not that it fucking matters. I’ve neither the energy nor the will to be some imagined concept. I’ve enough trouble just being without have to be something in particular. Seriously? Fuck it.

you’ve added too much milk

you’ve added too much milk

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Today’s funtastic new word? Agoraphobia. Often thought of as a fear of crowds, it is more accurately described as being:

an anxiety disorder. Agoraphobia may arise by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no perceived easy means of escape. Alternatively, social anxiety problems may also be an underlying cause. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia avoid public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open spaces such as shopping malls or airports where there are few places to hide. In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, experiencing difficulty travelling from this safe place. Although mostly thought to be a fear of public places, it is now believed that agoraphobia develops as a complication of panic attacks.

(Wikipedia)

Can you imagine not only having a disease but also having a constant fear of it displaying in public? It is horrible. On the other hand, public washrooms have become a bastion of sanity for me.