Have you ever wondered what it might be like to have to live with your death sentence on your sleeve?

Odd question, isn’t it? Where does it come from? I just showed my roommate the movie RENT for her first time. We both completely sobbed through the second half of it. Yes, even me the “heartless” one. (For I have been repeatedly accused of being such to such a point where I joke about it now.) And although I am blessed not to have a disease that guarantees death, like AIDS which the characters in the movie had, I still really end up thinking after a film like that.

The one song that really always gets me in the softest spot is the one where they sing:

Will I lose my dignity
Will someone care
Will I wake tomorrow
From this nightmare

Besides the fact that it’s rather musically profound-  which always gets me as a former music student – I find that those are words that could come out of my mouth. And it’s so hard. So hard.

Will I lose my dignity? Have I already, by coming out about my condition and getting treatment? Have I shown weakness by letting myself cry when I’m sad and cut when I hurt and scream when I’m angry? Why is it so wrong to be human? Why can’t I be flawed just like everybody else?

Will someone care? When I cut myself, who notices? Who sees the new scars? Who tries to do something about it? When I finally kill myself, who’ll be at my funeral? My parents? My siblings? My roommate? Camp “friends” who’ve never bothered to try to know me? My ex who denied we ever had a relationship so I denied our friendship? The girls of my ranger unit? Or will they all forget me in a year? Haven’t I always been so easy to let go of? Haven’t I done that on purpose?

Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare? Will this disease never leave me alone? Will I ever find that magical combination of pills that makes me “normal”? Why me? Why have the gods chosen me for this fate? Have I not been a good girl all my life?

Nothing is guaranteed in this life except pain. We will all bleed at some point. The question becomes how much does it mean to you?