Now, I know I often tend to write here rather negatively, but bipolar disorder isn’t all doom and gloom and fire and brimstone. There are parts of it that you can actually come to really like. The bolstered creativity can be quite lovely (though the need to paint/draw/write/etc. so badly can be painful if you’re unable to fill it) and the mildest forms of mania can be very pleasant.

When I’m mildly manic – or “hypomanic” as it’s sometimes called – I tend to be cheerful, bubbly, just a little spacey, fidgety, and an obsessive neat freak. There are quite a few people in my life who tend to associate this me as the “real” or “best” me. I will agree it’s a nice place to visit, but it’s not who I am or who I want to be. At the same time, she is me. But so are the extreme manias. And the depressions. And the mixed states.

I’ve joked with friends for years about how I’m secretly multiple people. I guess that’s one way to think of it. Or maybe you could compare me with the phases of the moon with only certain parts showing but still being the same body? I don’t know. I really don’t.

When you’re fighting with a disorder like this, you end up asking strange questions like “is it ok to be us?” “who am I today” and “where’s the other me?” but they don’t seem so strange. Mind. This IS coming from a girl who sometimes believes she’s a lady in waiting in a queen’s castle.

I do enjoy the energy and productivity mania brings me. But I hate the noise. The more manic I get, the more noisy my brain gets. I think that’s part of what makes me so angry/irritable when I’m manic. My head is so full and so loud that there’s just no room for anything else in it, so don’t you dare try to get in there. Many times I’ve had to just completely shut down because my mind was so loud and so fast that I was unable to function any longer.

The lack of sleep also has some horrid effects on your health. But at least you don’t feel tired. I’m running on three hours right now, but if you were to sit and talk with me, you’d think I was well rested and perky. Really? I’m not. But we see what we want to see in life. Perceptions are everything.