In my never-ending quest to read everything ever written about bipolar disorder, I have stumbled upon some interesting new terms…

“psychomotor agitation”

a series of unintentional and purposeless motions that stem from mental tension and anxiety of an individual. This includes pacing around a room, wringing one’s hands, pulling off clothing and putting it back on and other similar actions. In more severe cases, the motions may become harmful to the individual, such as ripping, tearing or chewing at the skin around one’s fingernails or lips to the point of bleeding. Psychomotor agitation is a symptom typically found in major depressive disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder, and sometimes the manic phase in bipolar disorder, although it can also be a result of an excess intake of stimulants. [wikipedia]

and “psychomotor retardation”

comprises a slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movements in an individual. This is most commonly seen in people with major depression, as well as in the depressed phase of bipolar disorder, and is also associated with the adverse effects of certain drugs such as benzodiazepines. Particularly in inpatient settings, psychomotor retardation can require increased nursing care to ensure adequate food and fluid intake as well as sufficient personal care. Informed consent for treatment is more difficult to achieve when this is present. People who have psychomotor retardation may also experiencing agitation or self-restlessness, that can construct an inability to relax. As a result, this agitation may turn into a severe condition whereby a client/patient either cannot sit for long or may pace up and down. [wikipedia]

My dear brother, the psychology student, tried at first to tell me that the terms only applied to inpatient situations, and then when I argued that he tried to say that everyone has it a little. Umn, no. It’s one thing to be fidgety, it’s quite another to be fidgety to the point of possibly harming yourself. And there’s a huge difference between sleeping in an extra couple of hours and just lying in bed for hours or days because you just can’t find the will to get up. Then he told me they were old terms anyway and signed off. Good job, bro.

It’s interesting to finally have terms, words to understand some of what’s going on with my body. It’s good to know that these are expectable effects of the illness and that I’m not just crazy. Well. That might be a bad choice of words.

I think, though, that it’s a pretty normal human experience that it’s easier to deal with something if you have a name for it. It’s also easier to deal with something if someone else sees it too. I think a large part of why I’ve spent so many years working so hard to hide my bipolar disorder is that my family largely denied it. I’d get a lot of “oh, you’re not sick you’re just a little sad” or “you just get grumpy sometimes, it’s fine” No. It’s really not. Yeah, I am the type of person who’s quick to tears. It’s not because I’m sensitive, it’s because I’ve had them sitting just below the surface for days and you’ve managed to set me off.

And sometimes I’m stupidly clumsy and can’t manage to do something that’s no problem on a normal day. Or I managed to cut myself doing something I do all the time. Or I manage to fall off my computer chair and nearly give myself a concussion. (My shoulder was bruised for a week!) Or I bite my lips til they bleed. Or I pull my hair out. Or I lay in bed for hours staring at my wall. Or I spend a week in my pyjamas without washing.

Keep telling me I’m normal. Please. I’d like to believe you.