Often, when I’m down, friends will try to do things to cheer me up. Or they’ll tell me “not to worry so much” or “just smile, it can’t be that bad”. What they just don’t realize is that it’s not that easy. I know it’s hard to rationalize something that you’ve never been through. A lot of people get sad, even really sad, and think they must know what it’s like but depression… it’s really something else. Depression is to sadness what croquembouche is to donuts.

I mean, yes, you do get incredibly sad when you’re depressed but it’s so much more than that. There’s the pain. Actual physical pain that creeps through your muscles until you don’t want to move. You can lose your appetite completely, or else your mood can so effect your stomach that you just throw up anything you do try to eat. (I usually get both together.) You lose all interest in everything – and I do mean everything – sometimes to the point where you’ll spend days curled up in bed not even willing to sleep just staring at the wall doing nothing. At least, that’s been my experience.

And the self-loathing! Gods, it’s horrid. Then again, I don’t find that ever goes away, but we’ll discuss both mania and self-loathing properly later on. Suffice it to say, you see yourself as the most disgusting creature on the planet and nothing anyone else says or does makes it go away. In fact, often the people who try to encourage you while you’re depressed make you feel worse, you convince yourself they’re just saying those things to be nice and that they don’t really mean them at all. You start to question yourself and everyone around you. You don’t trust anyone. You become paranoid and/or anxious. Not only do you believe that everyone is out to get you, but you convince yourself that it’s exactly what you deserve. Or you convince yourself that no one’s out to get you because you’re not even worth destroying to anyone.

The mind is a fucked up place.