One of the things that they don’t really mention (or, at least, I wasn’t told about) when you’re diagnosed as bipolar is what other sort of symptoms to watch for. The ones that always particularly catch me off guard are the OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) like ones. Again and again they’ve thrown me for a loop.

This tends to lead to things like shopping sprees where I can’t say no to anything. (“I’ve touched it, I have to buy it!”, “It’s about food/dinosaurs/etc, I have to buy it!”) Cleaning sprees where things end up alphabetized or sorted by genre or colour, etc. when they’re already sorted. My hands need to be constantly clean, even if the rest of me is covered in dirt I don’t mind it if my hands are clean. Or (the one I find funniest when not going through it) I absolutely need to brush my teeth and can’t stop talking about it until I’ve done so. Each on it’s own may seem like a silly little twitch that anyone might have, but when you realize I do this sort of thing all the time, it becomes concerning. Especially, I feel, the financial stuff. I have trouble with money because although I’m quite frugal when in my right mind, I honestly have no control over how much I buy when I’m not. The amount I buy sometimes honestly scares even me.

I have adopted some coping strategies for things like this. One is to not let myself out when I feel the compulsive shopper coming out in me. Of course, as soon as I restrain myself to the house people start to accuse me of being depressed. Another thing I sometimes do is to only allow myself into certain stores when I get this urge – dollar store, for instance. That way even by buying a lot (to curb that urge) I’m not spending all that much. Overall, though, it’s still a huge problem for me. It’s what I’m working hardest to curb right now.

For the hand washing and tooth brushing? I just give in, as soon as is reasonable. I really doubt there’s such a thing as too much cleanliness.

There is a part of obsession which is truly unhealthy, though, and I wish I knew how to stop it. I go through this cycle where one person will become my obsession, usually a close friend or lover. This poor person becomes everything to me, and I hold them to such expectations as are humanly impossible for them to live up to. This is especially true as I always manage to pick some person that I know has some of history of failure or cheating or otherwise unloyal but seem to want to leave that past behind them – someone a reasonable person could see would hurt them if they let too close. Anyway, I let this person become the center of my world, depending on them for more than I depend on 6 other people for. Trusting them with things I can’t even trust myself with.

I absolutely love this person whenever I’m depressed and think they’re decent when I’m normal but always despise them when I’m manic. This is where it gets destructive. Because of this hatred towards this person, I either will push them out with flashes of anger or else set things up so they’ll have push me out and I can play the victim. I did this to a good friend just this summer. She’s the fourth or fifth in the last 10 years.

And I have discovered in myself quite the tendancy to want to play the victim. I’m not sure why. I suspect it might be to give reason to the depression. I don’t want to be in that much pain for no reason, so I find reasons. That’s the best I can come up with.

The fabulous singer Emilie Autumn came up with the term “Opheliac” to describe the sort of person that purposely seeks out their own destruction. I know I’m very much that type. I’ve had medium to strong suicidal urges since I was about 14-15. I’ve enough scars on my body to terrify just about anyone. I bruise myself in my sleep.

It’s getting better, of course, now that I’m on meds. But it’s not gone. I fear for my next victim and pray it won’t be you.