When I was a little girl, I always thought I’d die by 18. It wasn’t just a “oh, I’m not going to grow up” like most kids get, no, I was certain I’d be dead. As it turns out, instead, I was diagnosed (for the first time) as being bipolar at 18. In some ways, I guess you could say that little girl I was died. But maybe that’s just reading too far into things.

The doctor I had at the time wasn’t a great doctor. He shoved me on some antidepressants (which didn’t work) and just kept trying to put me on more if I complained about anything at all, healthwise. It wasn’t fun. I stopped seeing that doctor, and dealt with things on my own for a long long time.

Now, finally, I’m seeing a doctor again, trying to get treatment, trying to find a psychiatrist and it has not been a fun trip. I suspect that the worst of it is over, but I don’t really know. This summer was the worst of my life. The year before probably one of the worst chunks of my life. Now, I’m slowly getting better.

This blog is going to be me documenting my journey back to health. There will, of course, be some entries that are flashbacks, some that are explanations of manic depression and all it’s fantastic effects it can have on the body, and some that are me talking about how a poor mad girl like me is treated in the real world.

I’ve spent most of the past ten years hiding my disease. It has been my decision that in order to better cope with it, that I have to be open about it and let people see exactly what it does to me. I’m sick of losing friends because of being in a state and doing something beyond my control but pretending I chose it because I hadn’t been willing to admit my sickness. I’m sick of pretending to be something I’m not every single day of my life.

So now, meet nutmeg, as blunt and honest as you can expect someone who’s spent their entire adult life lying to want to be. I will say things that are going to be painful, I will say things that are going to make you feel sick, I will say things that will make you wonder what’s wrong with me.

…I’m mad. That’s all it is. Now find your favourite cup and fill it with your favourite tea. We’re about to begin.