Title: Hector’s Supper
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: This is just a bit of stupidity for the sake of annoying a friend.
Summary: Hector the octopus goes for a walk and then makes dinner.
Note: Originally written as comment spam on poor amakarie‘s LJ. (Thus why it might read a little chopily.) FYI, Hector is her toy octopus.

Once upon a time there was an octopus. This octopus was named Hector. He was very cute. Like most octopii, he had 8 arms. Like most octopii, he had 8 arms. (Remember this, it’s important!)

One day, Hector decided to go for a swim across the ocean floor. So he left his cute little octopus house and drifted along the path. Now as he swam he came across his neighbour, Oscar the crab.

“Hello,” said Oscar.

“Hello,” Hector replied.

Oscar smiled, “Nice day for a swim, don’t you think?”

“It is!” Hector paused, “Or a scuttle I would imagine.”

“Definitely.”

“Anyway, I should keep moving,” Hector waved two of his tentacles.

Oscar waved a claw in return, “You take care of yourself.”

Hector swam on.

And then he swam some more.

Finally, after swimming a little further, Hector found himself in a beautiful garden.

“My, what a beautiful garden!” he said to himself.

He decided to pause his swim for a little bit so he could enjoy it. Now, this garden had all sorts of beautiful things in it. There were many varieties of coral, and starfish, and algae, and even 7 types of sea weed. There were also many lovely things to eat in this garden. Hector spied some lovely sea cucumbers and some sea potatoes, and decided to pick some to take home with him.

Despite the plant like names, the author would like to pause for a moment to point out that both of these are, in fact, animals.

Hector reached out to grab one sea cucumber, but it squirmed away from his tentacle. “Drat!” He tried again. This time, he managed to curl his tentacle around the slippery creature.

“Got you,” he smirked at it. Keeping the sea cucumber in hand… er tentacle, Hector looked for some more. When he was finally finished, he had 5 sea cucumbers and 3 sea potatoes. He held one in each of his 8 arms. Having no arms free to catch anymore, Hector decided it was time to head home for his supper.

Once more, Hector fluidly slithered along the ocean floor, back in the direction he had come from. The sea potatoes and sea cucumbers flopped unhappily in his tentacles as he carried them along.

When he finally got home, Hector realized he had a small problem. He had no arms free to open his door! How exactly was he supposed to cook his supper if he couldn’t get into his house? Hector sat and pondered for a long while. After even more thought, Hector decided to try the second option.

Carefully, he slipped one of the sea cucumbers from one tentacle and tried to wrap a second tentacle around it as well as the one it already had. The two creatures squealed and cried as they got squished together, but at least Hector had an arm free. Hector opened his door and slipped back into his cute little octopus house.

He took all his sea potatoes and sea cucumbers and put them in a little pot with a lid. Then he put the pot on his cute little octopus stove and turned it on.

Hector paced his cute little octopus floor. He was very excited about his dinner. It had been a while since he’d had fresh sea food. He usually just picked up the frozen stuff from the supermarket.

His house filled with delicious smells as his supper slowly cooked. Hector’s stomach growled hungrily as he smelled them. When would it be done? But he reminded himself to be patient. A good chef never rushes himself.

To distract himself while he waited, Hector set his cute little octopus table. He set out his favourite plate, a glass, and his fork and knife. Then he went to his cupboard and pulled out a bottle of his favourite merlot that he’d been saving. He placed the wine on the table, next to his cup. And then he went to check on his supper.

Hector lifted the lid of the pot carefully, so he wouldn’t get burned by any steam. Sticking his spoon in, he stirred the contents carefully. Almost done! He removed the spoon, added a little salt and pepper for good measure, and put the lid on to let it finish cooking.

Wandering back to his cute little octopus table, he poured himself a glass of merlot and took a sip. He was really starting to get excited now. Soon he would be eating all those lovely sea cucumbers and sea potatoes.

Hector paced some more as he waited. They smelled soooo good! He was starting to feel really impatient. He took another sip of wine, to try and distract himself from his waiting. Of course, this only made him think of how good the wine would taste with his supper.

“Patience,” he reminded himself, “is a virtue.”

He only had to wait a little longer, though.

Gliding back into the kitchen, he peeked in on the pot one more time. He was careful, of course, to avoid burns from the steam. From the smell alone, he could tell it was finally ready.

“At last!”

Hector grabbed a heatpad off the counter and set it on the table. Then, using a cloth to protect his tentacles, he brought the hot pot over and set it on top. He fetched his spoon, and ladelled himself out a portion.

He allowed the aroma to fill his senses, “Smells so good!”

Cutting off a piece, he brought it to his mouth(… beak?) and took a bite. Which he promptly spit out. “Ow, ow!” Hector quickly drank some wine. Perhaps a little too much wine, actually. He had burned himself on his supper! It was much too hot to eat. Why hadn’t he realized that before trying?

Once he had managed to cool off his mouth, with just a little more wine than was strictly needed, he decided to try again. Hector cut off another piece, and this time blew on it to make sure it would be cool enough for him to eat. Success! He chewed and swallowed. It was so delicious! Hector congratulated himself on a job well done. He celebrated with another bite, and another mouthful of wine. In a short time, he ate up all his sea cucumbers and sea potatoes.

Every last taste was a sheer joy, especially since he matched it with a sip of wine. In fact, he’d gone through quite a lot of wine by the time he was done. The whole bottle. Hector’s movements were a little shaky as he cleared the dishes from the table.

Then he wobbled his way to the kitchen and set them all next to the sink. At this point you may be asking why an octopus has a sink. The obvious answer is “to wash his dishes in”. Though this author would like to point out that if the sink is the first thing you’ve really questioned about this story, then you’ve got some very strange ideas about the world.

Anyway, Hector put his dishes next to the sink. Next he filled the sink with warm water and soap. He thought the bubbles were rather funny so he started playing with them. This meant that the water, and the bubbles, kept rising and rising until it splashed out over the edge of the sink and all over his cute little octopus floor. Hector ignored it, for the most part. After all, he lives in the ocean, do you think he really cares if his floor gets wet? Besides, those bubbles were totally awesome. Finally, he noticed the surplus of bubbles surrounding him and turned the sink off.

Hector grinned and sloshed through the bubbles. Soon his whole house was covered in them. But our dear octopod hero only laughed. He was a little too tipsy to care about the fact that he’d have to clean all of it up later. Instead, he just rolled around in the bubbles and sang a cute little octopus song to himself.

“I’d like to be~
under the sea~
in an octopus’ bubbles~
in a thiiiiing~”

Okay, so maybe he was a little too drunk to remember the right words. I, for one, am impressed that an octopus has even heard of the Beatles. Anyway. Hector played and laughed and sang in his bubbles, with nary a care for anything else. Until he slipped.

He slid across the floor and crashed into his book case. This caused the shelf to tip and a number of very large books fell from the higher shelves. All of these, naturally, managed to land right a top his cute little octopus head. Poor Hector was knocked unconcious.

As he lay there, covered in bubbles and books, he dreamt of his lovely dinner. Good thing, because if he had dreamt of the mess it would have been a nightmare.

But he would be living that soon enough.

The end.