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Category: meducation

adding hot water to milk and sugar

adding hot water to milk and sugar

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Can you still call it tea if you don’t involve any sort of leaf? Milk, hot water, sugar… what is that? What is it that truly makes a certain thing that thing and not something else? It’s a question I ask a lot about myself. “If my emotions aren’t right, am I still human?” “Can I be human without a heart?” “What am I, if not crazy?” “Will there still be a nutmeg if you medicate the disease out of her?” “How much of me is me and how much is disease?”

A thousand thoughts a minute and not one of them good.

I am unhappy. I am angry. I hate my life and the direction it is taking. No matter how many times I try to make things better, it just doesn’t work. I am a failure. Any “good” thing in my life turns to shit as soon as I get my hands on it. I am cursed. Or I am a curse. They are the same.

I currently don’t even have enough money in my bank account to buy gas to drive to fucking Toronto, much less the rent which I have to pay in 3 weeks and my car loan. I royally fucked up my midterm and my last theory test, so am going to have to work my ass off if I want to get any sort of mark worth mentioning at the end of the year, and even then there’s no guarantee of me getting any sort of job. Nothing ever has. It’s all about who you know in this world and I don’t know anyone. Nor do I really want to.

Running away to become a monk sounds better and better all the time.

I wonder if I mixed all the advil I have on hand with all the lithium I have on hand if it would be enough to kill me or only make me very sick? Have I ever mentioned the reason I can’t take Tylenol at all anymore is because I once took enough to make me very very sick? I spent the day in bed, called it a flu, and no one ever said much about it. I was 16. A wristcutter just learning all the best ways to destroy herself. How did the adults in my life manage to so completely miss all the signs? Why did it come as a surprise when I finally found the strength to ask for help? Not that I really got help; I got a doctor who kept trying to put me on antidepressants instead of listening to anything I said, I got parents who told me I didn’t really need meds because there was nothing wrong with me, I got friends who criticized me and told me I was fake.

Not that things have improved terribly much now.

Taking a “sick” day today because I just can’t deal with people. Seriously. I’ve slept all day. The only reason I’m not still in bed and sleeping off today until tomorrow is because I’m forcing myself to get up and do some of my homework. …which has turned to games, but still. I’ve a desperate need to do laundry and I’m just fluffing it off until whenever because I don’t want to deal with anyone today. It’s amazing how quickly I’ve sunk upon neglecting my proper meds. Which, in itself, probably at least partly started due to allowing myself to be lower than I should and not being at the proper medication level.

I don’t know. I’m just confused right now. I don’t think I’m who I’m supposed to be, but I don’t think there’s any “who” for me to be anymore. Not that it fucking matters. I’ve neither the energy nor the will to be some imagined concept. I’ve enough trouble just being without have to be something in particular. Seriously? Fuck it.

pass the scones?

pass the scones?

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Saw Dr. A today. He witnessed first hand some of the joy which is my trembling hands/weak muscles and decided to lower my lithium down 300 mg again to see if that helps with it. He’s also going to try to get me into the Royal Ottawa Hospital’s outpatient program, whereby I would see a psychiatrist on a regular basis. This is a good thing. I think. He’s also asked me to try and get involved with the Mood Disorder support group that’s run out of the RHO/with them/something. This makes me a lot more nervous. How can I talk to strangers about things I don’t even want to tell my closest friends?

On the plus side, I’ve now spoken to both a pharmacist and Dr. A about the nsaids and their affect on lithium. Both said Advil once or twice a day for pain shouldn’t be too bad. Especially since we are monitoring my blood levels and my lithium tends to be on the low end of medicinal. But there was another blood test today (yey more holes in my body) so we’ll see if the shaking is from poisoning or just regular side effect.

I just don’t know. Nothing really seems to help anymore. Can I just quit now? Please?

lemongrass with a touch of gin…ger

lemongrass with a touch of gin…ger

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It’s funny, but no matter how many times the bloodwork comes back good I’m still convinced that I’m slowly dying. I certainly feel like it this morning (and far too many mornings, I feel). If I didn’t know better, I’d say I was badly hungover. But I know better. a) I’ve never had more than a headache for a hangover in my life b) I haven’t touched alcohol in quite a while.

Why don’t I do alcohol? Well, partly because my meds tell me not to but mostly because an addictive personality is one of the fun possible side effects of being bipolar…

An addictive personality refers to a particular set of personality traits that make an individual predisposed to addictions. Addictions are characterized by a physical or psychological dependency that negatively impacts the quality of life of the person. They are frequently connected with substance abuse, but people with addictive personalities are also highly at risk of becoming addicted to gambling, food, exercise, work, and even relationships (codependency) . People engaged in addictive behaviour tend to plan their lives around it .

(Wikipedia)

I know I have a caffeine addiction. I’ve had alcohol addictions in past. I suspect I have an addiction to self-harm, but I’m not quite ready to face that one yet. (“Can’t sleep, not bleeding” has become far too frequent a thought…) I’m definitely guilty of people/relationship addictions, but those ones always end horribly. (Not surprising, though.) And the shopping addiction is just… not good. Maybe if I had a job and no other expenses, it might be okay. Maybe. Probably not.

Music is a huge addiction for me – I own over 500 CDs – as are DVDs – over 200 – but I’ve been very good to keep myself away from those temptations for the most part, as I know I can easily spend $100 in one blow. Books are just as bad for me.

As I sit here with my morning cuppa, let’s get back to the caffeine addiction which causes headaches if it is not fulfilled. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to keep caffeine to a minimum with my meds, but it just ain’t gonna happen with me. I mean look at the name of this blog.

Sometimes I can be really bad for me. Often, to be fair.

the spoon goes on the right

the spoon goes on the right

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This isn’t right, you know, what I’m doing to myself. Not with the amount of drugs I’m on.

There are some who believe I stopped cutting, after the incident this summer that caused me to end a rather crucial friendship of mine. I didn’t. I just stopped talking about it. It’s actually worse than ever.

I used to have someone I could talk to when I was feeling suicidal and would tell me “not now”. But at least I had that one person I felt I could go to.  What she did to me, her betrayal of my trust, has caused my introvert to come out seriously. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Which has lead to my burst of honesty. No one can betray me if I have no secrets, right?

I hate my life and I want to die. Every good thing in it seems to go sour as soon as I touch it. I want to die.

I can’t even escape to sleep to hide away from it. Fucking insomnia. Fucking life. Fuck me.

Pennyroyal Tea leads to nirvana

Pennyroyal Tea leads to nirvana

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I am not impressed right now. Seriously.Why did nobody tell me about this?

“NSAIDs reduce blood flow to the kidneys and therefore reduce the action of diuretics and decrease the elimination of lithium (Eskalith) and methotrexate (Rheumatrex).” (Source, more on lithium)

Thank god I read. But why was I never warned about this? I’ve spoken to my doctor and pharmacist both about lithium and neither said to avoid painkillers. You’d think that would be something of some importance to mention? I mean, I’ve been taking a lot less painkillers lately than I used to but winter is coming and the arthritis-like conditions are going to kick in and I’m going to need them again. The pharmacist warned me about the prozac-lithium interaction (wee light-headdedness) but not this one which could seriously harm me?

Lithium

Lithium therapy is useful for indications ranging from bipolar disorder to migraine headaches, but several interactions must be considered. Diuretics and NSAIDs alter the sodium balance at the level of the kidney. As a result, serum lithium levels increase secondary to enhanced reabsorption.3(pp309,368-9) Some NSAIDs may also alter prostaglandin effects on the kidney, thereby reducing the elimination of lithium.3(pp368-9)

If coadministration is necessary, the dosage of lithium should be reduced by 50 percent when a diuretic or an NSAID is added. Signs or symptoms of lithium toxicity involve the central nervous system (drowsiness, confusion, hand tremor, blurred vision, vertigo and seizures), gastrointestinal tract (nausea and vomiting) and cardiovascular system (arrhythmias and widening of the QRS complex). (Source)

Related case study.

…why? Why? Poison the mad until they’re either sane or dead? Is that it? …no. That’s just my frustration talking. This is just all so annoying. My doctor, though an amazing man who obviously does want to help me, doesn’t know enough about this sort of thing. I need a proper psychiatrist. And maybe a therapist, though I don’t really want one of those. I have no problem just keeping my cynical life view.

I think I now have a list of things to talk to my doctor about…

a drop of cream?

a drop of cream?

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Here’s a “fun” new thing I’ve had to deal with: vomiting blood. Now don’t freak out. It’s not quite as bad as it sounds. The blood isn’t coming from damage in my stomach or esophagus. As far as I can figure, the blood is coming from my mouth and lips. This is due to the joys of lithium-fuelled dehydration + a night’s “sleep” wherein I’m not drinking the 500mL/hour that I usually try to get into me. Thus I dry out and skin cracks, lips bleed, gums bleed, not fun. And then, as I so often do in the morning, when I vomit the blood is there either from my mouth or because I’d swallowed some of it while sleeping.

Yup. Got to love when my medications’ side effects combine to make life fabulous. I’ll talk to my doctor about it when I see him next week.

I’m going to go have some tea now.

a spoonful of medicine to help the sugar go down

a spoonful of medicine to help the sugar go down

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“Did I take my meds?” seems to be the most asked question in my life these days. I can never remember. I often suspect the answer is “no”, though. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard to remember to take 6 little pills that improve my life so much and yet I find it nearly impossible. I mean, the 4 in the morning are easy as I have them all with my tea. It’s the other two.

One of my medications, I’m supposed to take one pill with every meal. But that doesn’t always work out. Especially if I’m busy and end up eating out. Which, sadly, happens a lot when you’re a full-time student. I do always try to keep a couple extra pills on me, in case of need, yet they always seem to end up in my other bag or in my locker that’s out of the way or forgotten at home when I actually need them.

Medication won’t work if you don’t take it correctly. Don’t I want to be sane? To be able to claim to be normal? I don’t know, anymore. Maybe I miss my old normal. Maybe I’d rather be fucked up and broken. It’s easier. Even though it really isn’t very easy at all. Maybe I’m just sick of trying.

It’s not as though anyone really cares. That’s just something you tell yourself so you have a reason to keep faking it through each day. Does it matter to them whether they see you at home or in the hospital? Not terribly. Will they even notice when you’re dead? Not after the first month or so. People just get used to things. It’s not the same as caring.

Will you take me for granted? Because I’m not, and you probably don’t want to find that out the hard way.

tea and sugar pills

tea and sugar pills

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I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. This worries me. I usually don’t sleep for more than 6-7 hours a night. And that’s on normal nights. For the last 2ish years, I’ve had rather severe insomnia. So this is a strange and rather unexpected turn around. My past has mostly only had me sleep as much as I have been (upwards of 14 hours in a day) when I was extremely sick.

At first, I thought that maybe it was just depression, as it is sometimes a symptom that comes with depression (though I usually get the opposite effect). I also wondered if possibly it could be caused by my medication, since both my Lithium and Prozac have “may cause drowsiness” as a side effect. Though drowsiness often does not equal sleep in my life.

I’m not sure what to do about this. I’m not even sure I want to do anything about it.

and what has it got in its pocket?

and what has it got in its pocket?

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Went to see Dr. A today. Told him I’ve been really down the past couple weeks. He’s decided to try increasing my Prozac, though we’re pretty happy with my lithium as is.

I didn’t bother to tell him that I’ve been cutting again. Really? What’s he going to do about it?

He thinks all the transitions going on right now in my life probably aren’t helping me. I think he might be correct. Much as I love changes and such, I think camp/moving/returning to school all at once was a bit much on me. Especially since this summer was so stressful too; what with two camps, losing a friend, and trying to balance out my lithium.

On the plus side, I only have to get blood work done every six weeks instead of every four!

setting the table

setting the table

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When I was a little girl, I always thought I’d die by 18. It wasn’t just a “oh, I’m not going to grow up” like most kids get, no, I was certain I’d be dead. As it turns out, instead, I was diagnosed (for the first time) as being bipolar at 18. In some ways, I guess you could say that little girl I was died. But maybe that’s just reading too far into things.

The doctor I had at the time wasn’t a great doctor. He shoved me on some antidepressants (which didn’t work) and just kept trying to put me on more if I complained about anything at all, healthwise. It wasn’t fun. I stopped seeing that doctor, and dealt with things on my own for a long long time.

Now, finally, I’m seeing a doctor again, trying to get treatment, trying to find a psychiatrist and it has not been a fun trip. I suspect that the worst of it is over, but I don’t really know. This summer was the worst of my life. The year before probably one of the worst chunks of my life. Now, I’m slowly getting better.

This blog is going to be me documenting my journey back to health. There will, of course, be some entries that are flashbacks, some that are explanations of manic depression and all it’s fantastic effects it can have on the body, and some that are me talking about how a poor mad girl like me is treated in the real world.

I’ve spent most of the past ten years hiding my disease. It has been my decision that in order to better cope with it, that I have to be open about it and let people see exactly what it does to me. I’m sick of losing friends because of being in a state and doing something beyond my control but pretending I chose it because I hadn’t been willing to admit my sickness. I’m sick of pretending to be something I’m not every single day of my life.

So now, meet nutmeg, as blunt and honest as you can expect someone who’s spent their entire adult life lying to want to be. I will say things that are going to be painful, I will say things that are going to make you feel sick, I will say things that will make you wonder what’s wrong with me.

…I’m mad. That’s all it is. Now find your favourite cup and fill it with your favourite tea. We’re about to begin.