Do you ever really stop to think about the things you put in your body? How often do we look at our food consumption and think “gods, I need to eat better”? And how about your brain? Do you ever think about what the media you put into it does to it? Do you make those sorts of choices conscientiously or are you the type to just “catch whatever’s there”? And does the media make the person? Or does the…
I am unhappy. I am angry. I hate my life and the direction it is taking. No matter how many times I try to make things better, it just doesn’t work. I am a failure. Any “good” thing in my life turns to shit as soon as I get my hands on it. I am cursed. Or I am a curse. They are the same.
Today’s funtastic new word? Agoraphobia. Often thought of as a fear of crowds, it is more accurately described as being: an anxiety disorder. Agoraphobia may arise by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no perceived easy means of escape. Alternatively, social anxiety problems may also be an underlying cause. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia avoid public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open spaces such as shopping malls or airports where there…
Words. Words, words, words, words, words! I’ve so many of them, I build them around me like a fortress, but does it help protect me? No! Quite the opposite. It helps to tear me down. Everything I say can and will be used against me.
That probably sounds hilarious until you realize what I truly think about myself. I hate myself. I view myself as a monster of sorts, incapable of truly comprehending proper human emotion. Because what I live through cannot be normal human emotion. The species would not have survived this long if it were. I see every day the scars most people never see. I see the blood, the medications, the way my attitudes and perceptions of things change at a moment’s notice. It can be terrifying, if I’m sane enough to look at myself and see what I’m doing.
There are only two things in this world which do not despair. The first is the sun. What is the second?
Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare? Will this disease never leave me alone? Will I ever find that magical combination of pills that makes me “normal”? Why me? Why have the gods chosen me for this fate? Have I not been a good girl all my life?
First, read this touching article about understanding illness: the Spoon Theory. It’s on a Lupus site, but the author is very right in saying that the same idea applies to a lot of invisible illnesses. Also, there’s this blog entry about invalidation which dear Karifish sent me to read. That second one reminds me badly of the time one of my closest friends (at the time, I’ve since cut off that friendship) told me that my suicidal feelings could wait….
I hate my life and I want to die.
If you don’t have peace of mind in your magic bag for me, mr Claus, how about a little rent money? But you have to promise me you’ll give an equal amount to charity. Preferably one that supports either children or mental health.